Barely

Waking up with enough enthusiasm to spring out of bed, ready to slay the day, is how I intended to greet the world. But this morning wasn’t having any of that, as barely beat enthusiasm by a landslide. You know what I’m talking about?  I was not excited to workout, and I most certainly did not want to sit with myself in meditation.  So, I forced myself to be productive.  But I didn’t beat myself up for not wanting too; accepting and respecting the fact that fear and anxiety are working through me.  Since most fears and anxieties stem from childhood, I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting on—even talking to—my younger self.  One of my YouTube teachers suggested guided meditations on healing your inner wounded child.  So I did that this morning.  Nothing in my being thought this would amount to a hill of beans, but amazingly it did.  During the guided visualization, I ended up in the throes of a full-on, crying fit.

Most of us have felt like something is missing from our lives. I’ve spent years putting all my pieces back together again.  So when you are so close to a major transformation, you figure out quickly what you need to do to feel the success that you already have.  I know how blessed I am, and it sucks to have something inside of me that is resistant because it’s been scared everything all of its life. My inner child is flippin’ shit over here. These anxiety attacks didn’t just happen; there is a reason why and it’s origin is in my childhood.

Instead of concentrating on actual events, I took the route of exploring how I felt most of the time back then.  From my earliest remembrance, there was sadness and feelings of loss. Further along, I was very aware of my insignificance in my family dynamic.  From there, fear and anxiety over what might happen in my environment set in.  As I got older, low-self-esteem moved in along with self-loathing.  Fear had invited them all as I was being tormented at school, teased at home, and just sick all the damn time.  I carried a head cold for the majority of my adolescence.  Even in a huge family, I felt alone and misunderstood.  I did enjoy my siblings at times of course, but I just didn’t feel connected to them.  My mother was my only true friend.  While I blossomed out of that, I never dealt with the damage trauma caused.

As long as these old guests are residing in my house, I’ll keep attracting more of that shitty energy into my life.  So pretty much, fuck that shit!  I have a wonderful life now and would like to be present for it full time.  So yes, I dive deep, and since I’ve been doing this so long, I understand that the only way life get’s better is with change, balance, and steady contact with the Universe or God.  I have to keep expanding because the alternative is death to me. Regression and stagnation are enemies to an extraordinary life. What’s lovely about my journey is that now I’m so in-tune with my inner-self that when I need answers, I find them. I love how instant guidance is now that I’ve learned to listen.

Hmmm—perhaps barely didn’t win today, after all. Here I am chatting with my friends through the written word, and I feel loads better because of it.  I fight for my life because it’s to easy to drown when you only see the turbulent waters of life.  Stop swimming against the current.  Relax, go with the flow, and keep your eyes open for that sturdy branch waiting for you to grab onto and save yourself.

As I journey, I am guided to many, many articles, books, & YouTube teachers that have been instrumental in my growth, healing and a general understanding of WTF is going on with my emotions. The thing is, we cannot do this shit alone.  So I will share with you amazing souls that are quite useful on this planet of ours. This week, Dennis Simsek and Christina Lopes.